Thanks to one of Elon Musk's DOGE goons it looks like we're going to have Marshall Law in our nation's capital. Apparently, "Big Balls" was out at 3 a.m. in Logan Circle. Nothing out of the ordinary there, right? Claims he was beat up by a group of unarmed group of teenagers.
I guess his balls aren't that big after all. Maybe he should go back to Rye County where it's safe for a member of his school's wrestling team to be wandering the streets at 3 a.m.
Now our city will have Cheeto Führer's brown shirts lurking around. They're no doubt already using Coristine's bitch-beating as an excuse for rounding up every black teenage male they can find.
Just another Reichstag fire. Coming to a town near you.
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| Big Balls, der Cheeto Führer and uncle F'elon |
Edward "Big Balls" Coristine, a 19-year-old software engineer and former Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) staffer, was allegedly assaulted during a carjacking incident in Washington, DC, on the morning of August 3, 2025.
The incident occurred in the northwest region of Logan Circle, where police reported that approximately 10 juveniles surrounded Coristine and his significant other, Emily Bryant, before assaulting him. Coristine attempted to push Bryant into their vehicle before turning to confront the suspects, after which he was beaten, reportedly sustaining a concussion. Two suspects were arrested and charged with unarmed carjacking.
